Team America - The MoFo Review

Thank God for Team America: World Police, the marionette-o-vision Homeland Security drama from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone opening nationwide October 15. This movie is more than just therapy for anyone who has missed nights of sleep trying to decide between Empire and Appeasement or allowed their girlfriends to drag them to see Before Sunset: It is a moral vision of America's future delivered by two of our nation's finest political thinkers. It also makes your breath fresh, your teeth whiter, and teaches children their multiplication tables.

In Hollywood, Alec Baldwin's Film Actors Guild-F.A.G.-protests Team America's tactics and unilateral imperialism. "We believe the world needs compassion," Baldwin says on the ABC World News Tonight with Peter Jennings. Additional FAG voices join Baldwin's chorus, including Tim Robbins ("It's all corporations! Corporations!"), George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Janene Garofalo ("If we read the newspaper and then say what's inside, it'll sound like we have opinions!"), Susan Sarandon, Helen Hunt and Sean Penn ("Iraq was a happy, sunny place before Team America! There were rainbows and bunnies and chocolate rivers!"), and, of course, Ethan Hawke.

Of course, according to the ever-accurate Drudge Report, the real-life Penn actually wrote an open letter to Parker and Stone on October 6, not so eloquently opining: "You guys are talented young guys but alas, primarily young guys. . . encourag[ing] irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world. All best, and a sincere fuck you, Sean Penn." Sean Penn, of course, knows all about the horrors of disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death.

Naturally Blix warns Jong-Il about the consequences of giving WMDs to terrorist organizations. "We will be very, very angry," Blix says, "and we will write you a letter about it." In response, Jong-Il feeds Blix to his "killer sharks," played here by catfishes that look enormous compared to the marionettes. "How do you like that, Hans Blix?" Jong-Il screams. "How do you like that, you cocksucking piece of shit?"

This is the movie where they had to remove the puppet oral sex scene because it would have been given a NC-17 rating instead. Ah well, Trey and Matt have never been known for their subtlety. They are the creators of South Park, afterall.