Merry Christmas

Don't work too hard...

Happy Festivus

Festivus for the rest of us.

Woman Asked To Smell Husband's Genitalia

From MSNBC:

An arrest warrant has been issued for a man accused of assaulting his wife after she asked to smell his genitalia to find out if he was cheating on her, according to a police report obtained Wednesday by WPBF News 25.

The 37-year-old victim told Port St. Lucie police her husband of three years punched her in the face and kicked her in the arms and legs Monday night after she accused him of having an affair.

The victim said she told her 25-year-old husband to display his genitalia while he was using the bathroom "so that she can smell it," the report stated.

As she attempted to smell it, he punched her in the mouth and kicked her after she fell to the floor, the report stated. He then ran from the scene.

Police said they took photographs of the victim's injuries and that she became uncooperative when told a warrant would be filed for her husband's arrest.

I don't know. This all sounds a bit fishy to me. It just doesn't pass the sniff test.

Survey: Many would take Internet over sex

From CNN:

Nearly half of the women questioned by Harris Interactive said they'd be willing to forgo sex for two weeks, rather than give up their Internet access, according to a study released Monday by Intel, which commissioned the survey.

While 46 percent of the women surveyed were willing to engage in abstinence versus losing their Internet, only 30 percent of the men surveyed were willing to do likewise.

The U.S. survey, which queried 2,119 adults last month, found that the gap grew even wider for both men and woman who were 18 to 34 years old. For woman, the percentage of those willing to skip the sheets in favor of the Web rose to 49 percent, while it climbed to 39 percent for men.

And for women 35 to 44 years old, the figure jumped to 52 percent.

And TV, which has been losing its share of eyeball time to the Internet over the years, found that the majority of adults would be willing to forgo two weeks of watching TV versus losing one week on the Internet.

Of course when it comes to TV, perhaps size matters, at least according to a different survey earlier this year of Britons conducted by electronics retailer Comet. Almost half of the men polled said they would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, according to Reuters.

Well, this is interesting. I guess folks don't realize that the internet is for porn, thus you can get sex (at least with yourself). :P

Worse "Dear Santa" letter ever

From the Star-Telegram:

A 9-year-old girl’s letter to Santa Claus asking that a relative stop touching her sister and her has led to the arrest of a 55-year-old Pharr man, authorities reported.

Andres Enrique Cantu, 55, of Pharr, faces a charge of continuous sexual abuse of a young child, The Monitor of McAllen reported.

Cantu remained in the Hidalgo County Jail on Monday night. His bail was set at $100,000.

The charge is a new one, created by the Texas Legislature last year as one of the changes in the penal code under Jessica’s Law, which was designed to give longer sentences to sexual predators.

The girl wrote the letter Thursday and turned it in at Cesar Chavez Elementary School.

According to a arrest-warrant affidavit, a school counselor saw the letter and reported what was in it to police.

On Friday, the girl was interviewed at the Children’s Advocacy Center in Edinburg, which works with abused children.

She described the abuse in more detail, including that it occurred at night in the girls’ bedroom while other family members were sleeping.

Investigators believe that the girls were molested for four years, according to the affidavit.

There isn't a prison sentence long enough.

Unemployed pirates looking for work

From KTLA:

Disneyland management has fired the four actors who played pirate Jack Sparrow because officials were worried about young female park-goers flashing the swashbuckling actors late at night, according to one former cast member.

"They lost control when they saw Jack Sparrow," said former pirate Brandon Pinto, who left the role after a dispute with management a year ago. "This is a sexy, rock-star pirate."

The pirate actors said they were told they were no longer needed at about the same time that additional fairies were added to the park's cast, presumably to promote Disney's new movie "Tinkerbell."

Disneyland officials confirmed that the pirate was indeed fired (due to declining relevance and diminishing visitor requests), but flatly denied published reports that the dismissal had anything to do with female fans flashing their breasts at the swashbuckling actors who portray Jack Sparrow at the Anaheim theme park.

At least they didn't work near Flash...er, Splash Mountain.

Happy Birthday Ken

Ain't it nifty, Ken is 40!

Who you gonna call?

Come to Vegas

From Yahoo:

The tiny town of Cranfills Gap really needs a vacation.

At least that's the opinion of Las Vegas tourism officials, who've decided to fly nearly half of the 350 residents to the desert playground as part of a five-day getaway and publicity stunt.

Up to 120 people — those who could get off work and were over age 21 — will fly in one jet to Sin City next weekend and stay in swanky hotels, eat at fancy restaurants and see glitzy shows — all for free. The catch: They'll be followed the entire time by video cameras for tourism commercials to air early next year.

They won't get any spending money if they want to gamble or shop during their few hours of free time each day. But for many in the town with only two stop signs and no traffic lights about 75 miles southwest of Fort Worth, it's a perfect pre-holiday getaway.

You know, I really don't have anything snarky to say about this. I just hope it doesn't end up as a CMT reality show, like My Big Redneck Wedding.

More food assaults

From TCPalm:

A Vero Beach man is accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger, according to his arrest affidavit.

The woman told the Indian River County Sheriff's Office she was sitting a car in front of the home she shares with Vincent Gonzalez, 22, of the 300 block of 12th Road, Vero Beach. The couple began arguing and Gonzalez would not allow her to leave the car.

The woman threw Gonzalez's drink out of the car, the report said. In response, Gonzalez grabbed the woman's arm and forced the cheeseburger into her face. Both of them stepped out of the vehicle and Gonzalez smashed the cheeseburger again into the woman's face.

Please, won't someone think of the food?

Food assaults

< Seinfeld impersonation >What the hell is up with the food assaults lately?< /Seinfeld impersonation >

First, there is a woman in Jcksonville who used grits as a weapon. From News4Jax:

According to investigators, Velinda Taylor threw the grits on her sister while they were having an argument. They said the victim blocked her face but the grits burned her back.

The victim, Sharon Ashley, said she and Taylor had been in a fight when she was burned with the grits.

"When I closed the door, it hit me. It was heat. It stuck all over me. I couldn't do nothing. I tried to pull a clump off me, then I just laid down," Ashley said. "It stuck up on me real bad and I was sore, in flames. Sore and inflamed."

Now, there is a man accused of assault with a sweet potato pie. From WPBF TV:

Martin County Sheriff's Office deputies arrested a Hobe Sound man who threw a sweet potato pie in his girlfriend's face because he didn't like the food, according to an arrest report.

Christopher Ford, 46, was charged with one count of domestic battery for the Thanksgiving Day incident.

According to the report, Ford came home and asked Valencia Rose, 37, for something to eat. But Ford was upset about the food his seven-year live-in girlfriend fixed for him and they got into an argument in the kitchen.

So Ford picked up the sweet potato pie his girlfriend had recently removed from the oven and threw it in her face, according to the report.

Pentagon researching guided-bullet tech

From Wired:

Darpa, the Defense Department's far-out research arm, announced a pair of contracts last Tuesday, to start designing a super, .50-caliber sniper rifle that fires guided bullets. Lockheed Martin received $12.3 million for the "Exacto," or Extreme Accuracy Tasked Ordnance, project, while Teledyne Scientific & Imaging got another $9.5 million.

Darpa won't say, publicly, how far, how long and how accurate they want the new bullets to be — all that information is classified. But they will say that Exacto should contain a next-gen scope, a guidance system that provides information to direct the projectile, an "actively controlled .50-caliber projectile that uses this information for real-time directional flight control," and a rifle. "Technologies of interest may include: fin-stabilized projectiles, spin-stabilized projectiles, internal and/or external aero-actuation control methods, projectile guidance technologies, tamper proofing, small stable power supplies, and advanced sighting, optical resolution and clarity technologies."

Gene Simmons called, he wants his ammo back.

Gordon Freeman's bad day at the office: 2009 update

Cost of the 12 days of Christmas

From News4Jax:

Prices of items in the Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas," according to PNC Wealth Management:

1. Partridge, $20 (last year: $15) and Pear Tree, $200 (last year: $150)
2. Two Turtle Doves, $55 (last year: $40)
3. Three French Hens, $30 (last year: $45)
4. Four Calling Birds (canaries), $600 (last year: same)
5. Five Gold Rings, $350 (last year: $395)
6. Six Geese a-Laying, $240 (last year: $360)
7. Seven Swans a-Swimming, $5,600 (last year: $4,200)
8. Eight Maids a-Milking, $52 (last year: $47)
9. Nine Ladies Dancing (per performance), $4,759 (last year: same)
10. 10 Lords a-Leaping (per performance), $4,414 (last year: $4,285)
11. 11 Pipers Piping (per performance), $2,285 (last year: $2,213)
12. 12 Drummers Drumming (per performance), $2,475 (last year: $2,398)