Assault with a deadly....breast...

From The Smoking Gun:

A Kentucky woman is facing a felony assault charge for allegedly squirting breast milk into the face of a female jailer. After Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested last Thursday for public intoxication, she was transported to the Daviess County Detention Center in Owensboro. While there, Tramel, pictured in the above mug shot, was directed to change into a jail uniform. But the uncooperative suspect was "too intoxicated to complete the task on her own," so Officer Lula Brown sought to aid her, according to the below incident report. While in the jail's shower room, Brown told Tramel that she "needed to take her shirt and bra off" before changing into a green jail smock. That is when Tramel "took off her bra, grabbed her breast and squirted breast milk, hitting me in the face and neck region," reported Brown. Tramel attempted a second lactation assault, "but was unsuccessful," added Brown. Tramel is now being held in the Daviess County lockup on $5000 bond. As for Brown, a jail press release noted that the officer was successfully able to "clean the bio-hazard off her."

Teaching the oldest profession

From The AP:

Authorities say an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class after using a school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel.

Logan County sheriff's officials say 35-year-old Amber Carter was arrested Tuesday at a motel parking lot in Bellefontaine (behl-FOWN'-tin) in central Ohio. She's charged with misdemeanor prostitution and a felony, unauthorized use of property, regarding the computer.

Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson says officials are shocked. He says Carter never received a reprimand in 13 years at the district.

She's now on administrative leave.

Gives a new meaning to social networking. Wonder if she was on Facebook.

Forget the gun, grab the calzone

From MSNBC:

A former Brooklyn mobster turned pizza proprietor under federal witness protection has blown his cover because he couldn’t take criticism for a bad calzone, the Daily News reported.

Joseph Milano, aka Joey Calco, aka Crazy Joe of the Bonanno crime family in Brooklyn has been arrested in Florida for assault and firearm possession by a convicted felon, officials said.

On Jan. 23, a camera caught Calco jumping over the counter of his pizza shop, Goombas, to attack two customers who had complained about their calzone, they said.

Afterward, local newspapers investigating the incident discovered Calco’s true identity. Calco was spared a life sentence for turning on his boss Anthony Spero, but he served a total of nearly eight years for crimes, that included two years for admitting to a pair of murders in 2004.

U.S. marshals and New York prosecutors are said to be determining whether to keep Calco under witness protection or lock him up again.

You can take a goombah out of...aw, nevermind...

More food assaults

From TCPalm:

A Vero Beach man is accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger, according to his arrest affidavit.

The woman told the Indian River County Sheriff's Office she was sitting a car in front of the home she shares with Vincent Gonzalez, 22, of the 300 block of 12th Road, Vero Beach. The couple began arguing and Gonzalez would not allow her to leave the car.

The woman threw Gonzalez's drink out of the car, the report said. In response, Gonzalez grabbed the woman's arm and forced the cheeseburger into her face. Both of them stepped out of the vehicle and Gonzalez smashed the cheeseburger again into the woman's face.

Please, won't someone think of the food?

Food assaults

< Seinfeld impersonation >What the hell is up with the food assaults lately?< /Seinfeld impersonation >

First, there is a woman in Jcksonville who used grits as a weapon. From News4Jax:

According to investigators, Velinda Taylor threw the grits on her sister while they were having an argument. They said the victim blocked her face but the grits burned her back.

The victim, Sharon Ashley, said she and Taylor had been in a fight when she was burned with the grits.

"When I closed the door, it hit me. It was heat. It stuck all over me. I couldn't do nothing. I tried to pull a clump off me, then I just laid down," Ashley said. "It stuck up on me real bad and I was sore, in flames. Sore and inflamed."

Now, there is a man accused of assault with a sweet potato pie. From WPBF TV:

Martin County Sheriff's Office deputies arrested a Hobe Sound man who threw a sweet potato pie in his girlfriend's face because he didn't like the food, according to an arrest report.

Christopher Ford, 46, was charged with one count of domestic battery for the Thanksgiving Day incident.

According to the report, Ford came home and asked Valencia Rose, 37, for something to eat. But Ford was upset about the food his seven-year live-in girlfriend fixed for him and they got into an argument in the kitchen.

So Ford picked up the sweet potato pie his girlfriend had recently removed from the oven and threw it in her face, according to the report.

No barbed wire...it might hurt the thieves

From Dailymail.uk

A gardener who fenced off his allotment with barbed wire after being targeted by thieves has been ordered to take it down – in case intruders scratch themselves.

Bill Malcolm erected the 3ft fence after thieves struck three times in just four months, stealing tools worth around £300 from his shed and ransacking his vegetable patch.

But Bromsgrove district council has ordered the 61-year-old to remove the waist-high fence on health and safety grounds

'The fence was just a single strand and ringing my property. It was only 3ft high – it wasn't as though I'd dug a moat filled with piranha fish and erected 6ft iron railings.

'The council said they were unhappy about the precautions I had made but my response was to tell them that only someone climbing over on to my allotment could possibly hurt themselves.

'They shouldn't be trespassing in the first place but the council apologised and said they didn't want to be sued by a wounded thief.

Dead thieves can't sue. Castle doctrine FTW!

Trying to go out with a bang...

From The Smoking Gun:

Denied sex by his girlfriend, a Florida man yesterday responded by shooting himself, threatening the woman, and then passing out on the kitchen floor (after hitting the oven on the way down). Jonathon Guabello, 29, was apparently under the influence of booze and Xanax when he shot himself in the right shoulder with a rifle in the Fort Myers apartment he shared with his girlfriend of five months.

According to a Lee County Sheriff's Office report, the couple had returned home after fighting at a local bar and "Guabello wanted to have sex." Turned down by his girlfriend, Guabello... became irate. After the woman departed the couple's bedroom, Guabello shot himself. He has been charged with firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling and threatening to assault his girlfriend.

Talk about taking out your frustrations by wacking yourself...

There can be only one...*swing, miss* ooops.

From NOLA.COM:

Attack with sword fails; neighbor's head intact
A Chalmette man swung a 4-foot metal sword at a neighbor's head during a fight, authorities said.

Leslie Wilson, 57, of 4019 Jupiter Drive, acknowledged using the sword in an attempt to cut off the man's head, the St. Bernard Parish Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Wilson told deputies that his neighbor, Albert Estopinal III, 32, of 4021 Jupiter, threatened him first.

Both men were booked with disturbing the peace. Wilson was also booked with aggravated assault and attempted simple escape after he was able to get out of the back a deputy's squad car and started walking away, the news release said.

What's worse? Swing and a miss or being able to get out of the cop car and just walk away.

Let's Rap

Rap Battle Gone Bad Translated - Watch more free videos

Winnie-the-Pooh held for robbery

From Yahoo News:

Japanese police have arrested a 20-year-old man who attacked and robbed two people after they stared at his Winnie-the-Pooh costume, officials said on Tuesday.

Masayuki Ishikawa was hanging out on a Tokyo street corner after midnight last month while wearing the cuddly costume, accompanied by two friends dressed as a mouse and a panther, when he took offence at being stared at, police said.

"It's uncommon to see people dressed up like this, so the victims were watching them. Then the perpetrator came up and said 'What are you staring at?'" a police spokesman said.

Ishikawa and his friends beat up the two victims and stole $160 from them, the spokesman said, adding the group had apparently donned the unusual garb because they had run out of clean clothes.

Because putting on the Pooh suit is so much easier than doing a load of laundry....

Florida goes 911 crazy

From TheSmokingGun:

If you're wondering what the guy who called 911 to complain about his Subway sandwiches looks like, well, meet Reginald Peterson. The 42-year-old Florida man became so upset last Thursday when a pair of subs "did not include 'everything' as he had requested," he called Jacksonville cops "so that the police could have his sandwich made to his specifications," according to a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office report. Peterson, pictured in the below mug shot, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls. A Subway employee told cops that an irate Peterson was "screaming at everyone in the business" because a worker could not seem to rectify the sandwich problem. As for the fate of the Subway grub, the sheriff's report notes, "The sandwiches were placed in a trash can at the suspect's request."

From the AP:

A second Florida man has been arrested on charges of making false 911 calls in as many days. An arrest report says 47-year-old Carlos Gutierrez was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino early Monday and called 911 to say the slot machine stole his money. The report says Gutierrez left the casino to place a second 911 call to say the same thing.

He was arrested and charged with making a false 911 call. He's being held with no bail set.

On Sunday another man was arrested after calling 911 five times during an argument with his brother. He demanded that dispatchers send deputies to help sort things out.

And in northern Florida last week, a Jacksonville man called 911 to complain that a Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

Ambivalence to murder. A case for CCW.

From Xavier Thoughts:


Thanks to my dad for bringing this to my attention...

Regulate

From the AP:

Warren G has been arrested on a drug charge after police pulled over the car he was riding in.

Police say the 35-year-old rapper was arrested early Sunday after being pulled over for a red light violation. Officer Karen Smith says marijuana was found in the vehicle.

The rapper's real name is Warren Griffin III. Both he and the driver, Ryan Butler, were booked for investigation of possession of a controlled substance. They each posted $20,000 bail and were released.

Attempts to reach Griffin or a representative Sunday night were unsuccessful.

Warren G was nominated for a Grammy in 1995. He was arrested in 1996 for carrying a loaded assault weapon in his truck.

I weep for the future.

A diet to kill for.

From http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0427081arkansas1.html:

Meet Broderick Laswell.

Since his arrest last September on a murder charge, the Arkansas man, 19, has been locked up in the Benton County jail, where he has shed 105 of his original 413 pounds. While most people suffering from obesity would probably welcome such a weight loss, Laswell has made a federal case out of it. Claiming that he is "literally being starved to death," the 6', 308-pound Laswell Friday filed a lawsuit charging that his civil rights have been violated by jailers. According to the U.S. District Court complaint, Laswell contends that he is being provided with so few calories that, about an hour after every meal, "my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." This purported "lack of nutrition," Laswell claims, is reflected in miniscule biscuits and cake sizes, the small amount of chips accompanying sandwiches, and the occasional provision of "2 small cookies." And just in case anyone thought he was only concerned about junk food, the accused killer also complains about the "drizzle of dressing" placed on his "small side of lettuce."

The lethargic Laswell claims that "on several occasions" he has "started to do some excersizing and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out." He attributes this, of course, to diminished calorie intake, not morbid obesity. Laswell and an accomplice were arrested last year for allegedly beating and stabbing a man to death...

When 3000 calories a day just aren't enough, introducing the prison diet...

Hard up = Hard time

A Hamilton County man is accused of posting bond for jailed women, only to demand sex in exchange.

Jason Lee, 28, is in police custody on outstanding warrants related to drug charges and a probation violation.

Judge Nadine Allen had Lee taken into custody after a domestic violence suspect told her in court that Lee, sitting in the back of the courtroom, had been having sex with her in exchange for her release on bond.

The judge said Lee trolled the Hamilton County jail Web site, looking for women. When he found one he wanted, Allen said, Lee would post her bond in exchange for sex.

Using the internet is just like making a shopping list. Check out some of the 'butes that can be had:

http://www.hcso.org/PublicServices/InmateInfo/InmateInfoMain.aspx

Meditations on Self Defense

Lawdog has posted a spot-on post about the obligation of a society to defend itself from any critter wanting to do them harm.

And this example, Gentle Readers, is the exact reason why I throw things at the TeeVee every time some talking head in a uniform, or some Brady idiot, steps up to the microphone and solemnly parrots, "We don't recommend that people fight back" or "The best thing is to cooperate and let the criminal have what he wants."

Bushwa. Codswallop. Horse-puckey.

Every-stinking-time this variety of oral spew is uttered, it goes into critter Risk/Reward assessments and encourages them. Hells bloody bells, these sorts of statements encouraging -- rewarding -- critters should be grounds for arresting the idiots uttering them.

Evil is not defeated by submitting to it. Evil is not defeated by running away from it; nor is evil defeated by ignoring it.

Evil is only defeated by fighting back.

If you recently lost two garbage sacks of pot...

...troopers from the Florida Highway Patrol are waiting by the phone.

The cops who took this photograph tell the Associated Press that a work crew found 60 pounds of weed while they were working yesterday on a busy interstate in Plant City, Fla. The Orlando Sentinel says the owners can claim the plants -- which are worth about $54,000 -- by calling police at (813) 631-4020.

Wanted for questioning: